Some people thinks symbolism is everything. They carry flags, banners, medals, spoons, embroideries, stickers, buttons and other arty things. Those objects doesn't matter so much in themselves. They need a voice to lift them, the faith to put them in line and the naivety to carry them trough the decades, like they were dusty immortal vampires to fear and respect.
Maybe it's not too late to start burying some of them.
I would have say that I honestly fear people, that respect symbols more than they respect people. You find them everywhere. There is always at least one teacher in every school, that has more respect for the school system than it has for it's pupils. There is always at least one police officer, that respects it's own position more than it respects the human being. There is always at least one wannebe everywhere, that respect their own egoistic character, more than they even respect the wish to be. And you know, people pick their job after their personality.
Symbolism is also featured in art, music, movies and visual entertainment. We also find it in dreams. I find symbolism interesting when it says something about ourselves, which it usually always do. However some people are afraid to try to figure out what their dreams mean or to be challenged by opposite political symbols. They wish to feel safe in their own little world, they think that something will be taken away from them when their symbols are not what they seem.
What does it matter when the clothes or name you wear is only a cloth on the outside? It isn't you, it will never be you. I rather like to know what my parents stands for, than using my parents as a symbol of what I think parents should or shouldn't stand for. No one are royal. No one are more special or valuable.
I respect people that take pride in their jeweled symbols. I respect them just as much as I would respect an alcoholic with no job or fancy suit. If I found myself to be in the situation; I would treat the Queen (If I dared) as I would treat a prostitute. They would be respected, if they respected me. If I found any of them shallow, if I ever told them, it would not mean that I didn't respect them as human beings. I think there is something great and fantastic in everyone. I think I have something to learn from all people I meet.
I have been called narrow minded. Old fashioned. Terrible. Many times. When I think about it, I remember that it never really bothered me. I'm rather cold when it comes to critic. If I'm warm about it, it usually means that I love it. I cant remember that I have ever felt sad about it. Most of the people that have told me they have found me narrow minded, are strangers. It would probably hurt me if they were not.
I'm a person that likes to hold people very close to me and very long away from me. I'm not a person that likes to hug. I'm not a person that easily express love or other positive intimate things. I would like to try to do it with very close people. -But it takes a lot of me to do it. The expression on the other hand then, would be honest. I'm a person you would maybe find cold, if you met me as a stranger. Because I'm shy. I like to use very short sentences with people I'm not close to. I dont really enjoy meeting new people. I fear them. I often feel lonely when I'm with a group and I long for solitude. I have a bad temper. I spend huge amounts of time to myself.
Out of jealousy, I have often thought of carefree outgoing people as stupid. On a lower level than me. They look silly, in their naive idea of being loved by so many. As a child I usually pretended to be occupied with something "important", just to push people away from me. I wished for enemies, just so I could have less friends.
It's not commitment I am afraid of, because in my eyes, that usually involves people that has a lot of friends. I'm afraid to be a burden. Afraid to be ridiculous. Afraid of not being able to be enough. I like people that can be patient. Share, without asking something in return. Because I am like that.
I hate when people ask me how I feel. I'm thinking; "You only ask to be polite, and I ask you for the same reason, to manage to keep a conversation going". Then they often mention the weather or other sort of common things, that I always have an old sentence in store for. There have been made a few small changes to those sentences of mine up trough the years, but they are rather tiny attempts and they were never made to spice up things. Inbetweene the uncomfortable quiet periods that occur when things involve shyness, I wish I wasn't me. I do, because I'm not really cold. I am an interesting person and I find people interesting. I care a lot and I wish I could express it more...
I wonder what they would say, If I told them how I really felt one day. They would either never ask me again, or we would have to become best friends. I would spare them and myself for that. It would take too much energy to let people in. I have enough problems letting the people I am close to in on me. I am harsh. I am gentle. I dont like to be recognized.
I have noticed that people speak very differently to my mother and brother. They are both very outgoing people. They manage to get into interesting conversations with practically everyone. People I'm not familiar with seem nervous with me, even if I dont feel nervous, they usually seem tense. -And I'm thinking; "Lets get out of this situation, you dont want to talk to me and I dont want to talk to you. I hope someone else will take over soon."
It's only with people I've known for a very long time, that I can slightly open up to. Most of them have never read my blog here, I hope. This diary tells you more than I've ever told anyone about myself. It's people like me, that should have a public blog really. I think so...
