I'm back. I left the hospital, fell into an old familiar bad mood when I saw the white walls, I'm such a chicken, or am I not?... I love those vampire needles they put in you though, they might as well kill me with those, I wouldn't mind... but I couldn't stay there, even though I should have.
I've done so many painful and difficult things in hospitals in the past, things I had to do to get better. You might think that it's weird then, that I have this childish fear of hospitals today, I should have been tough and brave because of all my experiences there, now I just play brave for everyone else really. For me it's mostly about how I feel in myself being there, it's not about the things I do there. It always sting me, in a deeper way today; those memories from I were a child and were scared of everyone that dressed in white. I have learned from my experiences, I've grown and a lot of times I feel older than people on my own age and I hate it, cause it makes me feel distant. I have something in me, that never really grew up, something childish, a fragile innocence maybe and it makes me feel younger than people on my own age, I hate it, cause it also makes me feel distant... It makes me hate conversation, it makes me silent when I should have spoken...
I just think; why do people want to talk about the weather, I mean we've all seen it, it doesn't really change, it just rotate and nothing new comes around, just like the endings in those kind of conversations... Fuck it all, I wanne be by myself, but I don't want to be by myself... I don't want to talk about my yesterday, in the hospital, it's difficult and it's way to personal. People that know me read this thing and I don't really like to talk about my feelings to people that know me. Now I feel a little restricted here and I hate that too, there's so many things I would like to say... I'll write a book one day, you will read it...
